they say birds of a feather flock together, and i understand that more now than ever. i have two female friends, who like me, are incapable of saying the emotionally appropriate thing to a significant other. we’re emotards. *cue rock music*. we’re emotionally retarded. inept of feeling emotion in the same way the world tells us we’re supposed to. we’re incapable of expressing emotions in a coherent manner. if we are forced to, we mumble something and say it in the most unromantic manner. if our lives were assessed by some educational institution, our emotional competency would be so bad it would have to be ungraded.
we contort our faces and grimace when we see couples exchanging affectionate glances, or “one month anniversay” gifts. “one month anniversary? do you even understand the concept of an anniversary?”. really, the only one month anniversary we would argue deserves acknowledgement is the monthly menstruation of a woman, signalling she has not yet ruined her body with child. “please don’t get pregnant yet,” we’ll say to each other. “if you have kids, who will i go out with? we’ll have to start speaking around them in code!”
we die a little inside if someone proposes a romantic meal for two, especially if the two is effectively incomplete without one of us. we hate cliches with the strongest passion. we only watch rom-coms when forced by our one friend who finds herself crying when she sees cute babies on TV or in the supermarket.
we can’t express our feelings, because, for some reason we rejected all emotional vocabulary in our learning. “i love you” doesn’t come easy so “you’re decent” seems like an adequate substitute. we’re emotards, not by choice but by nature. we’re not bitter, or angry, we’re just emotionally retarded.
but here come these men, with all their feelings and emotions. all their compliments we don’t know how to respond to with words other than “thanks”. we’ll attempt to compliment them back once in a while, but we’re not master word smiths yet, so they settle for the “you have the beard of a terrorist” instead of the “i like your facial hair” when we nuzzle up to their faces. we would text every time we thought of them, but we might die a little inside in the process, because we’re “textually” inept too.
all the nice things they say, and all the emotions they exude – they astound us! we find ourselves turning our “you’re decent” into more than “you will do”, and we start to express this warm fuzzy feeling that used to make us want to puke.
we imagine picnics with them in the park, and we still want to throw up a little. but, the butterfly like feelings overwhelm us, and we realise how emotionally retarded we truly are because we have all this emotion but no way of verbal expression. so occassionally we’ll curl up next to them like kittens, and we might give them a kiss on the neck when we remember how much we think they’re “decent”. give us a little time, we’re becoming accustomed to your emotional ways. some day, with some luck and a lot of prayer, we may not longer be emotionally inept. but for now, we’re emotional retards.