the comfort of knowledge

i could hear the weariness in her voice, thick and heavy, pulling down her words with its weight, as her voice came through the phone speaker.

“i can’t love him anymore,” she said. “it’s not that i don’t love him, but i just can’t. i’ve given up loving him.. that’s what it is. i guess i’ve reserved whatever i once felt for him for someone else who wants it just that much more… for someone else who wants it as much as i want to give it. it’s a shame really…”

“the upsetting thing is,” she continued, “i’m not upset because it’s over, or because i want to be with him – because Lord knows i’ve used up all my strength in this and i can’t stand it anymore – but it’s that fear of not knowing if you’ll ever be with anyone, or if anyone will ever make you happy. i just want to know that there’s someone there who will be that someone for me. you have Aaron, Jessie has Lewis, and Valerie has Jason, and even though i know that not everyone feels one hundred percent secure in their relationships, i’d rather be in your position, where i love someone and i know they love me back in the same way, because that’s the only thing that matters. everything else might shake us, but knowing that you love each other in the same way makes you want to get to the other side of that storm together… and i don’t have the security of knowing that love is there, or that someone will ever love me in that way, and me love them in return. i don’t have the security of knowing that love is there.”

after she hung up i sat there pondering whether people want to be loved simply for the reason of being loved, or the knowledge of knowing that love simply exists – a question i’d never pondered. i believe it’s being secure in the knowledge that love exists, not even for the selfishness of wanting to be loved.



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