Here comes that feeling I thought I’d forgotten…


I dreamt of you last night. Like the night before and the night before that. You rentless ghost.
Relentless and restless, and set in your ways.You haunt me in the same way each night, entering my dreams as if you’ve been invited.
And because of your presence I don’t even know if I can call them.dreams anymore, but I know they don’t qualify as nightmares. They no longer do because you’ve haunted me so long I’ve come to expect you, and the chaos you bring.

Last night you sauntered onto the most strange of sets so far. We were in a valley with towering mountains bordering us at our right, and a lone conservatory to our left. Not a house, just a conservatory.

You sauntered out of its white panelled doors onto the valley, where I’d been with your friend. Neither of us expected you, or expecting the grief written into the expression on your face, but somehow understanding it.

You sauntered over to a large dark slab of graphite sitting in the middle of the valley like a tombstone. You lay on it and for some reason I lay with you.
I lay with you like I once did before on those morning and late nights. I lay with you as if all was well with us, and as if you were my most cherished visitor.
I lay on your chest and your arm curled around my waist, and we were almost perfect. Almost perfect, just as we’d once almost been. Perfectly peaceful, lying next to each other in the middle of a valley and suddenly surrounded by all of your friends.

And then suddenly you had to leave and my heart broke. Hot tears streamed down my face. “I loved you,” I cried.
“I know,” you said. “I’ll be back… I don’t know..”
And in that moment, as you’d said those words the ground beneath us folded like a deflated beach ball. The sky above us opened up like an earthquake in the sky, and the invisible foundations of the heavens fell in heavy blue boulders.
And then you disappeared into thin air, and so did everyone else. So did the mountains and the valley, and the conservatory. It was just me, on the only piece of solid earth.with the world falling apart around me.
And then I woke, my heart pounding and my mind a daze. And with my pounding heart those feeling of you I thought I’d forgotten drummed themselves into my body – just as unwelcome as you.
That perfect peacefulness I’d felt next to you in that dream mixed in inproportionately with the chaos of  earthquakes in the sky and the world collapsing around me under its own weight.
And there it was, that confusing feeling of peace and chaos that you never fail to deliver.
There it was that feeling I thought I’d forgotten and would never have to feel again..



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