i used to live but live from a distance, if you can call that living. involved but never committed. giving little yet gaining so much.
and yet in the process of non-commitment, somehow my emotions became tangled. tangled up in whatever you would call this process of being affected…
it puzzles me to this day, how emotions tangle when they were never let out to play?
and in this sudden upheaval of self – in this re-arrangement by some grand designer, i find myself learning things i’ve never desired to know. losing virtues and gaining vices.
i’ve learned anger and its poison, as i’ve learned how love corrodes apathy. i’ve learned paralysing fear, and i’ve learned deep, dark moods.
and these emotions i’ve learned, they’re destructive, in a way that’s coy and flirtatious. inviting and murderous to sanity, if you let them get that far or too close.
it’s strange to say it, but i miss the emotional monotony of being unaffected. of rarely feeling anger and exasperation. the power that youth and inexperience gives us to know emotions from a distance and not in their brutal wholeness.
i must learn to become unaffected again. unaffected, or at least poked at and not shaken by life’s ups and down. i must learn to not be bothered by the acts of people, and especially not the things you say or do. yes, you, because my epiphanies are always rooted in you and the shit you do.
but if i learn to be unaffected by you, i’ll lose to ability to love you.. i’ll learn to unlove you… am i supposed to learn to unlove you now?