today, i was just thinking about how excited i am for certain things coming up in my life. i have a lot on my plate at the moment, and i can’t see that changing. i know that the things i will be dealing with will change, but the quantity will remain the same, if not increase. yet, i’m still excited about it. i’m not afraid. i’m at peace with it.
if you’d told me this a couple of months ago, i would have heaved a huge sigh of resignation, because i was spiritually burnt out.
why? because i saturated my life with people and with relationships of all forms. i was under the impression that the more people i had around me, the more energy it gave me. i’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life.
when i was younger, i craved solitude. i craved those moments alone with my music, or with my oil paints and canvas, or in the pool just floating. and then somehow, university taught me that solitude is destructive, and constant socialisation is the only way. i fed myself with the ideals of society, the media, and social media. “it is better to be with anyone, than to be alone.” ” it is better to be doing life with people than living life alone.” “relationships, regardless of how destructive they are, are all you’ll ever need.” “after all, everybody needs somebody.. right?” “you’re all i need to get by”.
even our music tells us that dependency is better than independence and productive solitude. maybe i haven’t listened to enough music, but there aren’t many happy songs telling us how beautiful it is to be alone. to have the time to understand, know and love ourselves before we expect someone else to? to learn our talents, and create something to give to this world?
little girls grow up watching all the same recycled junk that i used to watch. “all you need is to be loved by others, and for someone to be in love with you”.
we are fed every day with how incredible it is to be in relationships, of any form. as long as your selfies includes someone else, then your life is complete!
but no one is telling us that it’s not healthy to fill yourself up with so many relations that you no longer know how to relate to yourself – you no longer have a relationship with yourself.
a lot of people laugh at the idea of people who withdraw to “find themselves”. yet it’s one of the most important things for any individual – for growth, for peace, and for love. how can you love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself? Jesus was not crazy for saying we should learn to love each other like we love ourselves? OURSELVES..
just as with many things in nature, there needs to be a “time out” period. did you know that the human body cannot survive very long without sleep? there is no certain explanation for this phenomenon, but that lack of rest does something to us that is fatal. similarly, our souls need rest.
it’s financially more beneficial for world systems for us to live in a world driven by wanting to belong, and craving adoration and what we think is love. but what’s beneficial for you?
for the first time in a long time, i’ve had some serious alone time. and i was fighting it with every ounce of me, and that’s a lot of ounces to work against. i was fighting solitude so hard, and when i finally lost that battle, i “found myself” in being alone. i was burnt out, and i convinced myself i need you, and others as part of the fuel to keep me going. and now, for the life of me, i can’t imagine why i ever believed that.